why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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