True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize