i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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