Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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