Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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