He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
