i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
