i think my tv is drunk
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
