if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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