I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
its liver damage thursday
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
