you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
