I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
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