...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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