I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
