I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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