I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
