You smell like stripper and shame
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize