I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
