the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
