it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
