Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
