Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
