Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
