Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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