So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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