New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
