I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
