it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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