I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize