I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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