I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
