why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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