just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
