I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
