Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
