He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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