Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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