Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
