either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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