You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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