I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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