What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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