the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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