I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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