this beer tastes like vomit already
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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