found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
