Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
