i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I would fuck him just for his dog
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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