Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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