He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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