Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
