so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
