watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You ruined the universe
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
