a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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