I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
