I wish my penis had an off switch
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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