You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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