I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize