sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
